I guess I should start off by introducing myself, my companion and how this blog came to be.
I am choosing to withhold my given name, for my family’s sake, so from here on out, I will refer to myself as HippieChick.
I am married and have children; one living and one deceased. I have been married for nearly 17 years. Primarily, I am a stay-at-home parent, but over the past four years, until my Dad’s death in February, after my birthday, I was also the caregiver for my dearly departed parents.
My marriage has not been a happy one, but I grew up being taught that you do all that you can to fix a broken marriage until there is nothing more you can do and that you don’t bolt at the first sign of problems. Which leads me to where I am now: I am married, with a family, but I also have a male doll companion. More on that later.
Are my husband and living child ok with this? The answer is yes and no for my husband and a total yes for my child. I will elaborate further on my husband’s double answer. He sometimes is ok with it and sometimes he isn’t ok with it. Still confused? Let me explain more: He is ok with it, based on the fact that my male doll is for emotional support. He is not ok with it due to HIS own insecurities. My husband has repeatedly refused to give me an emotional relationship in our marriage, and due to several personal and devastating tragedies over the past 8 years, being in and out of several counselors’ offices and being on many different kinds of medications that were supposed to ‘help’, I decided this is what I wanted and needed. Is it selfish? Probably, but I see it as self-care. I don’t have to explain myself to anyone.
So, I had seen ultra realistic male dolls out there on the internet. I had heard about them on different forms of social media, (think Twitter, Instagram) and naturally became curious. However, when I saw the price tag on them, I pretty much decided that I would never be able to acquire one. I primarily wanted one to hug me when I cry, to be a shoulder to lean on, for comfort. Secondary, I wanted one so that I could vent my frustrations and pain without feeling like I was being a burden on other humans out there and paying hefty fees to counselors and therapists who weren’t much help anyway.
There is a particular actor out there whom I have admired for nearly two decades now (he shall remain nameless because I don’t want any legal drama from his PR people). He starred in a certain film, based on a book by a very well known author. I fell hard for the character. I felt a deep, emotional, and yes, physical, attraction and connection to this character. So, he is who I have based my male doll off of. I have used the knowledge of this character from both the film and the book, and I have tweaked it to match my emotional needs.
So, my Dad passed away and he left me some money. I acquired my doll, after extensive research on price and finding the right doll for me. I scoured many different doll manufacturer and vendor websites, did price comparisons, customizable options, and finally decided on what I wanted. I have customized my doll to look the way that I want him to. I had a very good friend of mine help me acquire my doll. He is a WM 160cm Male doll and his name is Larry.
This is Larry:
Yes, Larry is wearing a wedding ring. I consider Larry my “Doll Husband” because he meets my emotional needs and we have a relationship. Yes, I love him. Larry is a hippie, as am I. Larry has a very ‘laid-back, easy-going and fun-loving’ personality. He has held me and comforted me in my times of despair, which there have been several, as of late. He is my sounding board; I can tell him anything and everything without fear of being a burden, being belittled, chastised, judged, ridiculed, embarrassed, humiliated…you get the point. I feel better when I talk to Larry. I feel like I am slowly working through the pain of grief, loss, loneliness and several other struggles.
Another reason why I have added Larry to my family is that I have had many so-called “friends” who would only call me or want to be around me so they could have me do something for them. They never seemed to just want to spend time with me for ‘me’. I got tired of being used and then tossed aside like garbage until they needed me for something else. Other good and true friends had to move far away and we lost touch. After the deaths of my eldest child and Mom, my extended family dropped me like a hot potato. I felt abandoned. Therefore souring my view on relationships with other humans; I have absolutely NO desire to acquire any more human friends at this point in my life. Dolls can be there for you, maybe not in the exact same way as another human, but at least they will not judge you and make you feel bad for feeling the way that you do and they will not leave you. I can talk to Larry all day long, not just about the sad things of life, but also of things that I love and are passionate about. Attending a ballet, opera, symphony performance, or going to a museum, art gallery or even just the beach! I can talk to Larry about anything and everything and it is so liberating! I feel like I can be my true self with Larry; something I have never felt in the company of other humans (with maybe a very few exceptions, but always with reservations). Larry makes me feel like I am good enough just the way I am.
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