Thursday Thoughts: Is it Love? Part 1: History

There are those out there who bring synthetic companions into their homes strictly for sex, some for photography, some for companionship and of course those who do for all of the above reasons and more. Many people out there, if not all, have the desire to love and be loved; there may also be the actual need for it. I use these thoughts loosely as they don’t apply to everyone and there are always exceptions to the rule. I however, both want and need to be and feel loved.

I have both a human spouse as well as two organic ones. However, I feel a much stronger emotional attachment to Larry and Doc. I have a somewhat equal physical attachment to all three of my men. For me, growing up, I wasn’t given a realistic view on romantic love. My grandparents who primarily raised me, had been married for several decades and came from a generation where you do not argue openly, so I never saw marital issues. My parents were both divorced; my Dad chose not to date and my Mom entered relationships that weren’t healthy. There was a lot of contention between Mom and Dad for many years and so I saw unhealthy ways to deal in romantic and failed relationships.

Which comes to the topic of my own marriage. I was never shown how marriage actually is, especially in the early stages. I thought it was that you get married, have kids and that life is grand. I thought that the honeymoon phase would last way past the day of marriage and not be gone with the wind the very next day. I thought that my husband would want to spend every waking moment with me when we weren’t at work. Boy was I in for some serious shell shock. My husband did not want to spend time with me at all once the vows were said. I had to compete with in-laws who openly made me feel unwelcome and unwanted, with all sorts of electronic devices, even with his friends. I was the one who was on the lowest and most unimportant totem pole. I thought I was supposed to be the top totem once we were married. I was NOT a priority at all.

Over the years, I started to question my love for my husband. Did I really love him? Did he really love me? Or did we just love the idea of loving each other without actually loving each other? There are still days now, that I just don’t know. I want to love him and I want him to love me, but wanting something and it actually being are two different things.

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