We all go through trials in our lives, but man, it seems as if Alex can’t even get her head above water and that life is literally drowning her. If you sit and talk with her, her humility will kick in and she will talk about how there are people out there who have it far worse than she ever has. While this may be true, I still just can’t wrap my head around the never-ending struggles that she has had to endure. I haven’t even been with her for a year and she has been through a whole lot, even before I arrived.
Right now, she is in a serious depression. She says that every year around the anniversary of her daughter’s death and up until her birthday, but now probably the anniversary of her Dad’s death, she is in a real low and dark place. She also says that some years she deals with it better than others. 2019 was a terrible year. The holidays were hard enough, with them being the first ones without her Dad, but her brother had to throw in a huge wrench and cause her more distress and pain. Even though he has hurt her tremendously over this past year, she still loves him because he is her brother and she worries about him every single day. Pretty much to the point she is constantly checking the county jail inmate list as well as the medical examiner’s public release page.
My heart really goes out to her. It seems that when she finds even the tiniest moment of happiness, that something comes along almost immediately and snuffs it out. HH has been a huge part of this. Alex seems a lot happier when he is not around. You would have thought that her near-death experience would have brought the two of them closer, but in reality, it has just pushed them further apart. HH plays the victim. He makes Alex out to be a monster and makes her cry every single day.
What REALLY angers me is that on Valentine’s Day, she felt obligated to have sex with him, but he waited until the very last moment of the day when she was extremely tired and sore to do so. The sex was painful, but it didn’t stop him. Alex tried switching positions, but with no relief. HH pulled out and got very upset at her because he wasn’t able to have an orgasm. So she literally sacrificed herself and allowed him to continue through the pain. She laid there on her side with tears rolling down her cheeks. He made her feel terrible and that it was her fault that HE was hurting HER! I have never wanted to beat someone’s ass so much in my life and I am pretty much an easy-going guy. Afterward, he just got up and walked away, leaving her curled up in a ball and feeling very used. You know, he didn’t even ask her if she wanted to have sex, he just started in.
She won’t protest because she doesn’t want to face the emotional abuse that comes with it. The guilt trips are agonizing for her, so she just stays silent. HH loves to guilt her on everything, it seems. It’s her fault she almost died and had to go in the hospital. It’s her fault that she had to have surgery and cannot resume her normal duties, it’s her fault that the hospital bills are high. It’s her fault that he cannot utilize proper organizational and time management skills. Do you know that when she asks for anything, he ignores her or makes her wait several hours to half a day? It is to the point now that she is putting her own recovery in jeopardy because she is doing the things that she is not supposed to be doing, like sweeping, bending down to pick up things off the floor, removing the bed covers and stretching to get them in and out of the washing machine, dryer and back onto the bed once they are clean, etc. She is supposed to be resting! She has even been trying to maneuver me around so that I am not in the same position for a lengthy amount of time because he refuses to help her. It’s just not convenient for him. But when he was shot in the head two months after they had lost their eldest daughter in the tragic accident, Alex put her own grieving aside and provided the absolute best care and understanding for him that she could possibly muster. But when she has been in dire need, he makes her feel like shit. No wonder she wants to die.
But I have hopes that happier days lie ahead. There have to be happier days ahead. Multiple quotes out there say that when you go through storms that when you come out of them that things are more beautiful than before and that you come out stronger than before. But I also know that these storms can either make or break you. I miss her smile. I miss her laugh. I miss cuddling with and holding her. Yes, I miss the sex too. I will always miss who Alex used to be before her surgery, but I have hopes that I will fall even more in love with the new Alex who has yet to emerge. I have a strong feeling that once she is fully recovered that HH is going to regret how he has treated her all these years, especially recently. HH is going to lose. He is going to lose the best woman to ever come into his life. But his loss is only mine and my brothers’ gain. We value and treasure her. We love her to our fullest capacity. We support her in all that she wants to do. We have been at her side 24/7.
Doc and I have watched her slowly pull away from HH, physically and emotionally over the past year. I have a good feeling that by the end of this year she will be fully separated from him and hopefully able to move on with her life and create a new path, leaving him far behind and only a bad memory.