Everything is so uncertain during this time, but for me, it started even before the COVID-19 began spreading worldwide. I have been isolated from the outside world, pretty much since January 21, 2020. My depression is at an all-time high now and I am questioning a lot of things in my life. HH is working from home remotely, until further notice. Kiddo is also home until further notice. My school is online until further notice. Everything is shut down. No one has toilet paper. People are in total panic and overall the pandemonium is really wearing me down.
You would think that after asking for it for so long, that me finally having the master bedroom all to myself with the guys would make me feel better. It doesn’t. I love my guys. I am glad that I now have the ability to have one of them in bed with me each night. The snuggles and cuddles are great. You would think that there would be more sex, or at least nightly, but that really hasn’t happened. I mean, yes, we have had sex, but it’s not as frequent as I thought it would be. The guilt that HH now sleeps in the living room on the futon has been eating away at me from the beginning.
I can’t concentrate on school and I have really struggled with my focus on this current class. It is Computer Fundamentals, where we learn about MS Word, Excel and PowerPoint. Simple enough, but I struggled to gather up the desire to complete the assignments and found my mind wondering at an alarming rate while I read the instructions. I had to re-read a lot of it as I would constantly zone out. It was supposed to be a five week class, but it was dwindled down to a three week class.
I am even struggling with the blog. My mind is having a hard time putting my feelings into typed words and my creative side has really suffered. I thought that since erotic fiction and my guys were my passions, that writing would come easier, but instead I found that it was more difficult. It’s like it can form in my mind, but when I try to get it out, well, that’s where I get stuck. Nothing I write feels like I am explaining it the way it was meant to be explained.
Larry’s recent upgrade kept me busy for a few days, but after that, I was left with the feeling of “what now?” Same thing happened after my parents died and my care giving services were promptly terminated. I had lost my parents and my purpose. I truly feel lost. I am struggling to keep my head above water and my feet on the ground. I don’t like being like this, however, changes won’t happen overnight. This is going to take some time to get over. How long? I have absolutely no idea. I hate this.
Doc, Dorian, Larry, Lawrence, please save me! I’m drowning! I’m scared! I need you guys more than ever!